Why must I always be the strong one?

This is getting tiring. Nathan is sad one moent, happy the next. Saturday he wanted to buy a hot tub. We actually found a pretty nice one that through some financing lokked like was in our price range. I wasn't sure about it, but I left the decision up to him. He decided that we should be able to afford it. So we signed on the dotted line, and it should be arriving Wednesday. I told his parents, who told us it was a bad idea. I totally agree. I hope we can get out of this, or may have some serious financial issues. He told me that he would not be mad at me, but right on schedule the next day he was. He wants that hot tub so bad, that I doubt he will call to cancel the delivery as he said he would today. He was so upset yesterday, he said he wanted to drag a razor up his arm. He thinks his life is so miserable. He is so blessed! He doesn't see the forest for the trees. I am really getting worn out from dealing with this. I am not looking forward to tonight. Every night he worked past 8 last week, he kept texting me horrible messages about how 'bad' his life is and how he wishes it would just end. What am I supposed to say to something like that that I haven't already told him a thousand times? I feel like hitting him and crying. But instead I type this blog, not really caring if anyone reads it. I just need to get these feelings out, and I know that if I wrote it in my journal at home he might read it. If he were to do that, I know it would only hurt him more. I won't even tell about this blog. I was thinking of using my blog on Myspace, but he would read it there. If he honestly knew how I was feeling, he'd give up for sure. I can't let him know. I just can't. I fear it would kill him -- literally. What more can I do? I keep praying, hoping that sooner (rather than later) that He will help the man I fell in love with find his way back. I know that divorce is not a good thing. It would be the very last resort for me, but I fear that may be what happens here. It may kill me if I continue on this way. I am always worn out, and most of it is emotional fatigue. If he would just choose to be happy, I wouldn't be so tired all the time.